A different kind of Christmas

When I decided to stay home for Christmas, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I am used to this crazy, musical, fun holiday.

Back in Roro, we go with my friends caroling to each other’s house. We have a blast. We sing, we eat, we drink, we laugh, we are together. I grew up with a lot of traditions that are a big part of my life and a big part of my past, as well as who I am right now. My passion towards traditions and doing things together with friends and family (!) comes from this. I remember as a child, I’d go with my cousin caroling to every house from my grandmother’s village. Everyone knew everyone and we had groups of kids, organized in such a way that we’d hit each family at different times. There was a lot of fuss around it, we’d play in the snow, we’d be fighting with snow balls, we’d sing along on the streets. It was a magical time. I remember I was freezing and my clothes were wet and I couldn’t care less. It was something that I couldn’t miss, no matter how much my mother would comment on it and how my grandmother was against carolers. At least after a certain hour and for certain people. Yeah, she wasn’t the most joyfull person.

I have fond memories around this magical time of the year. I always made sure to do everything I can to enjoy. While growing up, things changed in my life and the way I’d be going caroling also changed, but it never stopped. My friends still go, I’d go with them if I’d be there. But I am not. By my own choice.

So, what exactly did I do this year on Christmas? On one hand, right now I am writing this blog entry, so that’s at least one of the mysteries solved. Last night, when my friends where caroling, I had the chance to enjoy it. One of my bffs called me and let me listen to their joyful bunch. Granted, I didn’t hear very well, but the magic was definitely transmitted. I felt like I was a bit part of it. 🙂  Another nice surprise was from a person who is no longer in my life. He sent a nice Christmas message. It reminded me of the spark he once brought in my life, on my other favorite time of the year, my birthday.

The aim was to push my emotional state and my mind to see how I feel. As this is usually a very important time for me. This year and last year was particularly sucky. So it seemed the perfect.

This morning, as I was biking towards the cattery where I decided to spend the first half of Christmas Day. Listening on the way to carols, I was thinking how grateful I am to have the life I have. The years I spent in Netherlands changed me. I went through the most intense emotional phase. And yes, I have a tumultuous period, especially the last two years, going through anemia, then depression, was the farthest from easy. But prior to that I experienced was the most wonderful time of my life so far.  That time is so precious to me, I don’t have words to express it. I saw the world, I traveled so much and seen so much, I didn’t even allow myself to dream that far before. I am stopping now, to be grateful. Take a step back and reflect. But I will continue doing it, as long as I can manage/afford. Who said money can’t bring happiness didn’t spend his money on travelling, that’s for sure.

I am grateful for my life. I am healthy (mostly) , I am capable to do a lot, I have great mental, emotional and physical strength that I am extremely thankful for. I got to work on myself, conquer the past that was a great weight to carry. I managed to grow as a person along side some people who inspired me, who believed in me and supported me. Mostly myself. Haha! But here and there I did have a lot of support. People are busy, you know but I cannot be anything but grateful for the ones that stayed with me while I was going through it.

I got to experience the most wonderfully, crazy, intense love of them all. It filled my heart with warmth, it filled my heart with joy, with pain and great deal of grief. I laughed, I cried, I loved and was loved, I was hugged and held but ultimately left behind. It came and went, but with so much passion that I will always keep with me. It changed me and it changed him. For sure not the same, for sure not. But I am so very grateful to have experienced it. This. no matter what, I will keep it as a precious jewel. But not like I keep jewels, cause I kinda’ loose most of them. It will stick like all those earnings that I loose only one. So basically, it will stick like all those unmatched earnings. Because it couldn’t be a more accurate and beautiful metaphor.  Lonely, treasured earing, one of a kind and with a missing piece. A piece that would be perfect, but no longer there. I cannot be more grateful for that wonderful, crazy, amazing, powerful, fun, sweet man that crushed my heart.

I got to experience my dream to see Machu Pichu,  I got to see Peru. I still can’t believe it. I got to see Cambodgia and Sri Lanka and Paris and Cinque Terre and so much more.

I got to experience my own personal strength. I can try and explain what it took to put everything in packages and move on my own to Netherlands. A country I didn’t know very much, I have never visited before. I want to say it’s easy and anyone can do it, but I am afraid is not for everyone. When you go through lonely moments, when you have to deal with everything life has to through at you and you have no emotional or physical support from anyone, is not easy. Living in a foreign country, having to express yourself in another language. Is far from easy. Having to build a life far from everything familiar, on your own, taking everything from 0 in your late 20’s, was not easy. Is still isn’t. But my God is worth it. You find things about yourself and the world that you never knew existed. You get to meet magical people, with magical powers.

My dear reader, I wish you Holidays filled with joy, smiles and laughter. I do hope you feel the love that is all around us. I know I do.

The pictures below are from the cattery, today’s volunteer lunch and a few kittens from the pension. 

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