Waking alone

Most of my life I felt I was alone. Not lonely. Alone. I walked alone literally and figuratively. I can be sharp and direct. I can be thoughtful and wise. I can be silly and fun. I can be silent and dreamy. I can be light and bright. I can be stupid and childish. I can be mature and serious. I can be loving and caring. Not a lot of people know me, not because I am closed, but because they are intimidated. No, I am not being arrogant, nor am I being naive. I am a lot to take. And I am ok with that.

“You only are free when you realize you belong no place — you belong every place — no place at all.” Maya Angelou

I didn’t have much of a need of belonging to any particular group, but I always cherished the friendships I have/had. Connection is important to everyone. We do however, need to make sure we don’t bend over backwards to connect to people though. It should be the right ones. Any friendship that’s not right for us will require a great deal of energy and cause frustration and stress. True friendships appear only with the right ingredients, so they make the right mix.

I battled my whole life for the right to be me. I fought people who should (I thought..) believe in me. I tried to convince some that matter to me, that they should love me as I am and not try to convince me to be something else or go a direction that fit their needs. It was a sort of an approval I guess, because I wanted those people to be in my life. I ended up frustrated, sad and lonely. Until I opened my eyes and saw what I was doing. In some of these cases I was upfront and said what I thought and it made them walk away from my life. In some cases I was accepted and the relationship altered, good or bad but it changed. In any case, without being free to be me, I can’t go on and I won’t go on. Even if that means loosing some on the way.

It is hard, it’s a long road with lots of back and forth, ups and downs. It’s not easy to stand tall when everyone is trying to fit in. But true freedom is when we allow ourselves to be who we are. When we are true, acknowledge who we are and where we’re heading. What we want in life. Even if that means for a while you have to walk alone. It is worth it. Because that’s true freedom.

I will not settle. I will not bend to make people like me. Nor to be in my life. It’s not necessary to like me. At least not for most. If one person will look in my eyes and say he/she accepts me as I am, loves me and cares for me, that’s enough. And I have that. I am very grateful. The right ones will, no matter what. The wrong ones will walk away or try and stand in my way. But I will continue being me. Flawesome. Not pleasing others. Not bending. Not kneeling. Being me. The true me.

I walk alone.

I walk proud.

I believe in myself when no one does.

Nobody needs to carry me.

Nobody needs to fix me.

Nobody needs to save me.

I am enough.

I am ok.

I walk alone.

“One who points out your flaws is not necessarily your enemy; the one who always compliments you is not necessarily your friend.”

I have sometimes conversations when I disagree with my friends. At times I feel like I should just let it go and agree so they don’t feel threatened or attacked. But I am still me and I disagree and confront. At times it goes well, at times it’s tough and we take breaks. But the right people come back.

The same goes round. When they criticise me, maybe at first I will be upset, I will defend, I might even shut down. But I always go back, reflect. One time I even told a friend that I judged her (in my mind) but then I realised she was right. I opened my eyes and saw her point of view . And I acknowledged my fault. She was surprised but happy to hear. I can be wrong and I’ll admit it. Pride has no place in love. Sometimes we need to own our shit, choose courage over comfort (this is more paraphrasing Brene, but fully agree).

People are hard to hate close up. Move in” Brene Brown

When ever I come close to someone and see their pain, see their beautiful souls, it’s very hard not to love them. It is easy to stand by and judge, to keep away, not to ask, not care, to assume and live in the lie of our own creation. What is hard is to open your heart, to open your mind and listen. I struggle with it a lot. But I keep going.

I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hate so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.

James Baldwin

As soon as we are forced to look at ourselves. As soon as someone mirrors our behaviour, points out the hurt we cause, we close, we blame, we hate. Maybe it is an idea to listen. Listen. Not talk. Not judge. Not think of a good comeback. Not think of an excuse. Simply listen.

“People want to be a part of something, to belong to someone but not at the cost of authenticity, freedom or power” Brene Brown <paraphrasing >

We want to be together. We want to belong. We want to share experiences and things and places. We are social beings. The ideal is to find the right people not to change who we are to blend with the ones we think we admire. For me that sometimes means a person. It sometimes means a group. At times it means alone. I need to belong to myself first, before I can allow someone to accept me. Because as much as we want to belong, as long as we don’t love ourselves, we will always love others conditionally. Conditioned by the same factors we apply to ourselves.

Love yourself first.

Free yourself from your own judgement.

Belong to yourself.

Accept yourself.

Spread that love to others.

Don’t let other’s judgement get to you. It is about them, not you.

It is not an easy road, that of authenticity and freedom. It is not easy to stand tall, be proud, be loving. But do it anyway. Let it go…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s