Coming back home

Or identity crisis and how I am trying to handle.

My story begins ironically with the end. As soon as I landed back in NL, I felt a relaxed, feeling of “home” and mostly “tonight I sleep in my bed, in my own home”. Not that I didn’t enjoy the trip to Romania that I took for a little over a week. I enjoyed as well as figured some things.

Who am I? Not why am I here or where do I come from. Not what is my purpose on this earth. At least not for this blog entry. I actually even think the best question is, who did I loose on the way?

I had the opportunity to see my friends mostly and my cat. I was working full time, remotely so I only had the evenings and the lunch time or some coffees. Of course I honoured my runs, short ones but still. The good thing about going for runs is that I cover more ground and I get to places I might not get to otherwise. For instance, at my parents place, I used to run on the dam of the river, back in highschool. I remembered those times and so much more. The strange and new situation is that I felt it and experienced it as something that was part of me at some point and also that it is far in the past, no longer in my daily life. At all. Relieved? Yes. I was actually hoping for this but didn’t think it will happen and I didn’t really know how it will end up being. It took me a couple of days to realise it. Better said, after I left. I felt like I literally left it all behind and it is a closed (but not forced) chapter. Part of me, yes. I don’t deny, it will always be. But it is no longer a factor in my present situation. The people and the drama, as well as the trauma that once was, no longer resignes in me. The person I am today has been formed together with it and it will forever be that way. I made peace. I made peace with my demons. Does this mean life will be all pink and shiny from here on? I and you my dear reader can’t be that naive. But it is a big achievement and I see it as an excellent result of the therapy I’ve been through. Life will happen anyway with its ups and downs, but it will be more about the present.

I’ve also confirmed or learned that I’ve outgrown some of my friends. This part is actually making me sad. It doesn’t mean I will stop connecting, not at all. However, it feels like something died on the way, a little part of me. This is what I’ve learned from this trip.

What I did find strange was my connection to Cluj. There I feel like I don’t belong anymore. I still love it, it will stay that way. It is a beautiful, lively city. It is a young, vibrante atmosphere with lots happening. But me and Cluj? Maybe old lovers…

In the coming days or weeks (as of course I travel again) it might settle more, I might process more, however I felt like sharing with you.

Have a good night and peace in your heart. I will enjoy my warm bed now. 💕

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