Fatzo’

So many of us get bodyshamed. I want to say women more, but I don’t have the research to back it up. In any case, society puts a lot of pressure to look or well weight a certain way/number. In my opinion young women or adolescents suffer more nowadays. We see so many things in papers and on the internet. But that’s only one of the big issues.

The story starts with me putting on weight. Which happened in last two years more but since I moved to NL. I can blame a part of it on the food here. Since I moved to NL I gained 8 kg. Yup! That’s a lot. Ok , 6 are more accurate because the 2 I lost right before I left Ro because of a breakup. So ok, am 6 kg over what I feel comfortable in. That’s 62 there you have it. And let me tell you, some might be muscle, as I train a bit more than before but mostly is fat. No, it’s not metabolism slowing down. Someone said to me it’s because I am older. No! Listen to me. I eat. Sweets, gummy bears, sour ones I love them. And pastries. And cookies. And brownies (not those!) . And so many dishes with sauce. And portions around double what I did back in RO. So no, it’s not the age or metabolism and the way I look doesn’t matter.  That weight slows me down when I run, I get tired faster. I need to lose a few to not feel as uncomfortable as I do.

But I will tell you my dear reader, my weight is not the problem. The reactions I got from my friends or most people is. Am not saying it’s their fault, on the contrary, I will explain myself. Most answers were “you look great, don’t worry “ or “you’re beautiful “ or “it doesn’t show”. As “nice” as these comments might appear at first glance, they’re not. Not one asked me if I am feeling ok. Not one. It was all around how I look. So, I can be miserable in my own body, as long as it’s pretty outside and it “doesn’t show”.

Very, very wrong ! At first I got angry because I didn’t even think about how others feel about it. I didn’t think that was something anyone should have anything to say in regards to my body. I still believe that. But now I realise the problem is not about them thinking whatever about me. The problem is they think that’s a concern for me. And it might be even worse. They might think their own weight is about how they look, about how others think about it and not about health and how they feel.

It is sad, but I’ve been thinking more and more how much damage this can do.

What you put in your body is very important. The chemical composition can affect your energy level, the mood, it can cause discomfort and not to mention on long run it does much more. When I hear “you can eat whatever you want, you train a lot”. That’s one of the most idiotic things ever. It’s not about not gaining weight or burning but the quality, what you put in matters. I think even more if you train, as you put a lot of stress on your muscles and bones. Ok, maybe I don’t eat that bad, but the comments do raise a question. Is it really all about aesthetics? In 20 years it won’t matter if I was skinny now (it shouldn’t matter now either) but if I put garbage in my body, it will.

Looking at some of my friend’s behaviour, I hear things like “I have to loose weight, I have a date”. Really? You want to loose weight because of a man? Do you really want the approval of someone who judges you by how you look? Or maybe he doesn’t, but it is your assumptions, and that underlines an insecurity. You should ask yourself why do you “need” to do it? If you feel ok in your body then it’s fine. Another friend starves herself and she eats fast food when she allows food. If course you can already see the “benefits “ of this behavior, low energy, fragile body. I’m not condemning her, not even a little bit. It is society’s way of promoting unhealthy behavior by promoting lots of diets, pills and so on. It’s an entire industry.

On another note (I expect slamming here) I noticed the “real models” or plus sized. While I do agree with having models with nice curves, am concerned not to go on the other side and by “accepting “ everyone as they are, we might encourage eating too much (what’s too much?) or too fatty, etc. The idea, in my opinion is to have a proper balance. Not to starve, not to overeat. To do sports and pay attention to the level of stress.

How did I get to gain weight? Why do I eat so much lately? Most of the eating disorders (I am not sure if I qualify, but it is causing problems for me, so I’ll say yes) are caused by emotions. In a way, mine is too cause by emotions. Boredom. As soon as I stop doing something, I eat. If I go out and do activities (Which I do a lot), I eat. I don’t eat  if I am upset, for some reason when I am upset or stressed, I barely eat. Aside from depression (Which has deeper reasons) I am not really in a stressful environment, I am mostly happy. Since I moved to NL, I noticed a few things. Food doesn’t taste as much. I don’t mean better or worse, I mean there’s literately no taste. There’s an explanation, the soil for the vegetable and fruit is too watery and less nutrients. I come from a region where the soil is very rich and the food, everything is aromatic and palatable. Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to say anything bad about  NL, I love it here, but this is an actual problem for me. I also noticed when I went back to Ro, how even the salad has taste. The leaf. Ok, you have imports as well but really, I grew up differently. I also noticed I put a lot of salt, pepper, condiments, sauces etc, to give it flavor. One better thing in NL vs Ro is the cheese. Which also has lots of calories, so not helping. And nuts. They have lots of good nuts. That is good, am happy about that one. And kwark. That’s a type of yogurt low on fat and calories and rich in protein. Again, the dairy products excellent.

So there you have it. I gain weight. I am not happy about it. I don’t care if you like how I look or not, this is not about you. I am not feeling good in my own skin. I am slow and low on energy.  That should be the judge (in my opinion of course) . I am not dismissing entirely the “mirror” because it is important also to look good, but it is you who defines what that means, not society.  I am not looking for any kind of advice, I know what I need to do. But I am looking to raise a concern. Eating disorders are a real problem and our society is enabling it.

I will close this entry with a trainer’s quote. I read it on her t-shirt and I liked it “F#ck skinny, be strong!”.

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