Waste

How many of us go through difficult times and get stuck in a situation that is not what we want? How many of us have dreams that we don’t follow, because we either postpone for later (which might never come) or because we internalize somehow and think we can’t do more than what we are doing at the moment? How many of us are stuck in the wrong relationship, wrong job, wrong life, because we are afraid to move forward, are afraid to take the leap or we just got too comfortable with the situation at hand?

You get to decide about your life. You get to push your boundaries and see how far you can get. And so do I. Nobody else can set that for you or me, nobody else can say how much you can take and where to draw the line. You define who you are, you define what you want in life, you define how you choose to react to what is happening around you.

My journey through life, I promised myself that I will follow my heart no matter what. I will do what it tells me, regardless if I think I can do it or not. I will try either way because at the end of my life, whenever that happens, I will be able to say I lived fully and I have no regrets. That is one thing that for me is a golden rule. No matter if people think I am stupid in my decision, or I am wasting time on following dreams that can’t or shouldn’t happen, I follow my heart.

I am not saying that my decisions are the right ones, at times they are not even right for me. I’ve made plenty of mistakes, I acknowledged them (most, because in some cases I don’t even know if nobody points out) and I own them. I take ownership of my life and all that comes with. I am not saying being me is easy, because it is far from it. I had to fight or justify my actions so many times that I got sick of it. I don’t feel like justifying myself normally, but for the people I care about, I do. They matter, are important and deserve to at least get a some sort of an explanation. It is a lonely journey at times, because deciding to follow my gut, deciding to go with what I think is right when everyone screams different, makes it a solitary journey.

Being alone at times can be lonely but I have to say, most of the times for me it is not. I learned to do what feels right and not a lot join. I just think that lots of times, if I had to wait for someone to join me, I would not do half of what I do. I would not have seen the small piece of world that I have. Because although I am almost all the time going somewhere, the world is so big and we are so small, so much to explore.

Anyway, back to waste. I’ve recently seen a video with Jennifer Aniston, where she talks about people being comfortable with a bad situation. The truth is, for example when it comes to depression, I am not surprised (now, I was at the time) that a lot of the friends that went through it (or still are), they kind of accepted it and didn’t really do much about it. They just gave up, accepted as if it is part of them. I kinda’ understand because your mind says no to everything and believes it can’t do anything anyway, it just gives up. I am one to fight these things and one of the reasons why I wrote the blog was to open people’s minds. To make them be aware that even if you have really dark thoughts like suicide and harming yourself, things can get better. Of course sadly, not always, as this is a disease and at times it wins. But there is hope. Maybe I am not the best example, as mine was mild, I didn’t have to do medication or anything like that. But I couldn’t have done it on my own. I am proud to say I took initiative, and reached out to psychologist. I noticed that in our society, there is still a stigma. Mostly with older generation, and most likely because they don’t understand or were raised to believe it is something shameful or  wrong with us for doing it. It is not. We pay to little attention to the health of our mind.

I have to give you my context a little bit. I was always more of an old soul. I payed attention to things my friends didn’t at the time. I’ve been very conscious about feeding my mind, my soul, pay attention to food, to stress, to my surroundings, to celebrate myself and my achievements, to take my “me time “. In spite of that, depression hit me. No matter how much I tried to prevent that from happening, it did happen. It can happen to anyone, just like any disease. But we can fight it. Just look for the signs.

The sad thing is, a lot of people get at the end of their lives, full of regret, wishing they would have done things differently. We hear that a lot, yet we get wrapped up in what we call life, we fill our time with things that ultimately don’t matter and waste most of it. I am not saying we shouldn’t be responsible and spend some time for the obligations of adulthood. Far from it!  I am independent financially because I believe in just that. But there’s a line between being responsible for yourself, your family and towards society and molding your entire life, chasing things that  by the end it won’t matter.

What I am doing now is, trying to separate myself from everything. Strip my mind and heart from anything that I think I want or I thought I wanted. I am trying to separate myself from what I was raised to believe I am supposed to be in life, what defines success in today’s society.  I’ve been always true to my heart, but even that I question. Not the following but more what it says. Do I really hate tomatoes or is it something from my past that made it so? (btw that’s a big fat yes, but still a good example). Do I really want to do the job I do? Do I really want to buy that pair of jeans? I mean ok, the last one is a bit more “shallow”, but I do ask myself, what is that my true self wants ? Once I figure that one out, I will stick to it. And at some point in time, later on, I will ask myself again. As this can change, I am sure, as some did in the past few years.

I will continue be true to myself, even if that means walking alone part of that journey. Always believe in yourself, especially when nobody else does. Nobody but you walks your path. Nobody but you is responsible for yourself. Nobody but you feels the way you feel, be it love, hate, happiness, sadness, boredom and so on. Be you, that’s all I am saying.

And let it all go…. be free

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