I was struggling big time. It was one of the intense days, depression wise. I couldn’t calm down, so I went out for a walk. At the same time I was exchanging with a friend on Facebook. I was telling her how I feel. Walking and crying, I didn’t care that people would see me.
At some point she said something and I snapped. How can she understand exactly what I was going through? Every pain is unique, every person is unique. She felt my resistance . I realised she was only trying to help and also that nobody could possibly help me. It was too much pain and it was all eating me alive. There was nothing she could do anyway but at least she was exchanging with me. So I apologised. I told her she doesn’t deserve that and I should be more careful how I talk to her.
Her answer changed the course of my day, of the month and how I saw my own personal hell. She said that I am allowed to make mistakes, especially now. I am allowed to express exactly how I feel, that she is ok and that now is the time for her to care of me and let it go. That I don’t have to control all the time to spear others feelings. That I was going through something difficult and that other should cut me some slack.
I couldn’t believe my eyes. I started sobing. I went in a more quite place and cried. Someone cared enough to accept me as I was. With all the pain and the hurt and no judgement. I never felt so accepted as I did in that moment. And I realised that I never fully accepted myself either. It was a moment that made me realise I was ok. Even though I didn’t feel like I was. I am enough and somebody does care.
I am trying my best to express the deep feeling of gratitude but I can’t describe it properly. It felt as if I was carrying a bag full of rocks on my back and she lifted it and dropped it. She made it so much easier that day.
The power of a nice word, in the right moment can be life saver. Literally. You feel abandoned, you feel alone and lost and then someone says the right thing and it all lifts away. I didn’t recover from the depression immediately after. I had a few more months to go. But without it, I am sure it would have lasted longer. Way longer.
To my friend out there who did this, thank you a milion times. You need to know that you filled my heart with warmth, acceptance and relief. You have a beautiful soul.