I always knew what I wanted, I had the 5 big dreams and I achieved them. I found my self, full on depression, as a lot has happened and I couldn’t move forward like I used to. One of the reasons was that I had nothing to look forward to. I mean I am grateful that I got them all but it also caused one of my biggest falls ever. Of course it was not just that, it was a blend of a lot of emotional bullcrap, me as an expat, the unstable romantic relationship I had, some bad news about my past and so on.
I know at this point a few very ambitious people. I realize that these people are unique and a little bit crazy. But they know what they want and go for it. The way I think to know what’s important is to observe their behavior, it’s easiest. Why? Because these people will defy everything human possible <or what we consider for us regular folks as possible> to get it. One dear person to me, told me his story of a race he did and got severely-close-to-death injury, he’s still recovering but didn’t give up. He’s still racing, or at least training (not sure exactly). Another friend told me how at one of his races he had food poisoning but kept going. That’s how you know. You are willing to keep throwing up on the way but still go until you finish. And he did. How amazing is that? And also stupid. But let’s concentrate on the mind set. He knew what he wants and went for it, full on, throwing up all the way. The point I am making is not to push your body but if your mind really wants something, no matter what happens you will go for it.
At the same time, when you don’t want something, you also know. When you keep prioritizing anything but that “thing” or “person”, you have the answer. The person, activity or thing is not important. When you are willing to drop everything to pursue it, that’s when it’s important.
I will share one of my “sad” stories , or I should call it stupid story. I was at the biggest ultra that I did so far <not sure where I am heading on the ultra side of things> . I was sick, I was going through a cold and I could barely breath. I also had a recent ankle injury that was still swollen. Stupid choice to still go for it but I did. I did 85 km (was supposed to be 82 but I got lost in the woods) of run and put all my energy into it. I had one mind set. I really wanted to finish the race no matter what. There was someone I really wanted to be proud of me but it didn’t go as planned. He wasn’t. In fact it lead to a big disappointment while it was supposed to be my biggest achievement. I ended the race and cried on the side walk all alone in the dark. Now if I think about the whole thing , I think I want to sit on the curve again and cry. I messed-up there a lot but I also conquered my mind. I had so many moments when I could have given up. It was a tough race, it killed my legs. I was accompanied for 72 km (or something like that) which helped a lot and made it enjoyable. But after, it got dark and somehow I ended up running alone. I got to a forest at some point, couldn’t see anything but the one meter in front of me, thank god for the head torch. I ended up running in circle twice for about 2 km, as there where no signs. I almost missed the cut. I got scared and I didn’t know what to do. Luckily when that happens I go into “safe” mode and “robot like ” and all gets technical. So I picked myself up and just tried to make sense of it. Checked everything I could and somehow managed to figure out where to turn left and not right to go round again. I got to the cut off and the controller almost didn’t want to let me pass. But I was so eager to do it that I convinced him. Also, I think my running partner who was somewhere ahead of me, asked them to let me pass, I think. I go passed them and I keep running. Again forest, I have no idea where I am so I keep going forward. I meet a fellow runner there and he tells me he’s given up, he’s not running anymore. Well I go in my “no freakin’ way you give up while I am here” mode and say, let’s run together, we have 2k more to go. So we run, slowly together. And we keep going and we get again to a cross roads where we almost got lost again god damn! But at that point at least I had my phone working so I could see where to go. So we move along, and we keep going. When we got to the last let’s say 500 m, I decide to push and get there a little faster than the guy. Why? I though well someone should cheer on him when he arrives. I knew nobody will be there anymore but the organizers . So I get to the finish line, the controller tells me I am qualified, so I wait. My “Friend” crosses the finish line, I jump up and cheer and shout. I get my picture taken (which for whatever reason I don’t have) and go .
The race is finished, it’s time to celebrate, right? Well I had my running partner with whom I started but I was upset and angry so we split, he goes to his hotel and I go to mine. But before I go, I completely crash. I can’t move forward. I give up. I sit on the side walk thinking I just finished an 82km race and I have no feeling of accomplishment. I wanted someone to be there to say “good job”. Yes, it was an approval thing, yes sue me, I needed someone there with me. And I didn’t. And it wasn’t my first race alone and it wasn’t going to be my last one. So many times I crashed after or even during because I was lonely and sad. It’s a fight I keep fighting. It’s not about quantity, I don’t want to have a lot of friends or need someone’s approval. I just wish sometimes for a good word, an encouragement. And I didn’t get it there. No way. Sit on the sidewalk and cry. That’s what I had and that’s how I feel about it now too, after two years almost.
Don’t get me wrong, I had very awesome races with very amazing people around me later on and even before. I did and they made it a whole lot better. Not because of their approval but because someone cared enough for me to be there. They cared enough to take time out of their busy schedules to do something for me. And it was just for me, because I mattered, there and then. It was their time for me. It’s about having people to share all those moments with. And I love them all for it. They know who they are and I will forever be grateful for it. Because that’s what we do for the people we care about. We take time to be there. Without judging what is important and what not. If my friends are into making music or visit Disney. I should make time for that. No matter if I think it’s not something for me. It’s about what’s important for them, not for me. As a friend I should be there. And sometimes I am not. This is one aspect that I want to change about me. Be more present for the ones that matter and for the ones that show me I matter.
I had my moments when I was ready to drop absolutely everything and go for someone. I was willing to do anything for that person. I actually did drop a few times everything and did it. I regret nothing, of course, that person was worth it. It’s about a few people and a few moments in my life I did that. And I would do it all over again. And I will still do it. I will do it because I want to. Not because I want to get something in return, not because I am looking for a reward, but because they are worth it. I should probably do it more often, I am working on it, please be patient. I am work in progress, on my way to awesome-land.